This one
sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I
was sitting outside my husband’s job waiting for him to get off work. All day, heck, all week, no, for the past two years I have been telling
myself how I am such a terrible wife to this man who loves me like a fat kid
loves cake. He is so patient, kind,
loving, attentive, affectionate and understanding, yet day after day I find
myself lashing out at him for no reason.
Why the hell am I so angry, impatient, snappy and down right “female
doggish” (trying to cut down on cursing, but you know the word I want to
use!) Why am I mistreating this
man? Then it hit me! I do the same to God when it comes to HIS
love for me. You see, my husband
represents the love that God has for his people, and just like I find myself
pushing away and/or sabotaging Gods love, I do the same with Larry, my precious
earthly mate.
Why do I
do this? Do I feel unworthy or
unforgiven? Then it hit me, I have not
forgiven myself and deep down do not feel worthy of either Gods love or my
husbands. All my life I have worked hard
at achieving, but when it comes to Gods love, it is there for us without having
to strive. Does that mean we just veg
out into a mental state of laziness and walk with our heads in the clouds? NO, but what it does mean is that there is
nothing we can do to get God to love us more or love us less.
Now
those of you who know me must be saying; “How is it possible that you struggle
with receiving Gods love? You are a
prayer warrior, encourager, counselor, etc.”
Well, the truth of the matter is I have always been able to see others
greatness and abilities and love helping them reach their destiny. But when it comes to me, I find myself filled
with self-doubt, frustration and impatience, all rooted out of UNFORGIVENESS!
So, as I
sit here waiting for my knight in shining armor to get off work, I realize that
the reason I have not allowed myself to accept and receive Larry’s total love
and adoration for me is the same reason I have not rested in that same kind of
love from God….. I am trying to be
perfect when all God or my husband has ever asked from me is to forgive myself
and receive from them. Thank you God
for this revelation. May this revelation
help all those who find themselves pushing away love rather than running to it. Amen.
