Part Two of Why Some of Us Can't Say NO!

Last week on this blog, we discussed how many individuals are people pleas ers.  As promised, this entry will cover the why behind those who struggle with this problem.  In my opinion, experience and professional trainings, many people who are "people pleas ers" are this way because:

1. They base a large portion of their self worth on others opinions
2.  They do not want others to misjudge, misunderstand or view them in a negative light
3. Think doing and being everything to everyone will ensure love, friendship and fill a deeper emotional or  spiritual void.

Lets address the first point of having ones self worth wrapped up in others opinions.  That is a trap that is easy to fall into, especially for those who may have endured deep rejection or abandonment in their life.  Years of this type of neglect can drive one to think they "need" people around them to be complete and whole.  The truth is, when you are not allowing yourself to be the "true" you, in your own eyes your own greatness will never truly shine through.

The second point deals with not wanting others to misjudge or misunderstand them.  On any given day I can fall into this category.  I HATE to be misunderstood!  This comes from when I was younger in my teens.  I was tall and overweight and people would ASSUME that just because I was big, that I was probably loud, mean, super strong and that nothing ever bothered me.  It always amazed me how most people felt that since I was physically large, that emotionally I did not hurt or feel like smaller females did.  Most people would even handle me rougher when they would greet me because of my size and statue.  Many males I knew would shove my arm or shoulder aggressively in a greeting.  I am sure they were not trying to hurt me, but heck, I was still a feminine, sweet, loving and sensitive female.  Actually I was probably more feminine than many of my smaller female counterparts.   So, due to the misjudging of how I really was, over the years I picked up the habit of always explaining myself and trying to do things so others would really see my heart and the real me.

Lastly, most people have some type of emotional and or spiritual void that they try to fill with a person, food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, movies, video games, etc.   It is human nature to have a void.  Matter of fact, I think God places that void in all of us so that HE and only HE can fill it!  However, until we know or even want to surrender that particular area to God, we will try to fill it with something.  If people are your "drug of choice", you are only short changing yourself!  The truth is, Yes, we do need to have loving, caring, honest relationships, but you should NEVER have to compromise who you are for them.

The take away is this.  If you fall within one of these categories of why you people please, you are not a lost case. The first step to recovery from any addiction is to admit that a problem exist.  We will discuss baby steps to freeing yourself from people pleasing in the next blog.  Until then, be blessed and thank you for all the input I received.

Blessing,
Angela. 

"No, that does not work for me at this time!"

I am not quite sure where my "people pleasing" type of personality came from.  Maybe it was birthed out of low self esteem and low self worth as a younger person.  Whatever the reason, I, at 42 years old know that it is OK to say yes to me and make choices that I feel are best for me.  For too long I found myself not wanting to disappoint someone or 'let someone down" by really saying or doing what I felt in my heart was best for me.  You know you are a people pleas er when you find yourself waving back and forth over choices and decisions before setting on one.  I believe it is perfectly normal and wise to weigh all your options, but it is not okay to base your final choice on how someone else will perceive you.

Whenever I choose to walk in people pleasing and make a decision that only makes the other person or persons happy, I have no peace and end up miserable.  The bottom line is when we are walking in people pleasing, we are not being people of integrity and honesty.  I had a life changing thought two weeks ago.... I must live a life of truth to myself and to others.  When I make choices solely so someone will feel happy or "proud"of me, I am being a liar to myself.   Why has it been so hard for me to tell some people, "NO, that does not work for me?"   I know the answer to that and will share it with you in the next blog. But what I want you to do before I give you my response is to search yourselves, and if you too suffer from "people pleasing," why do you think you do this?  All of our reasons may be different and only you can answer that.  Hopefully this will create a dialogue and you can share your reasons, thus each of us helping one another.

So the take away is simply, are you being true to you?